I can recall to mind without any uncertainty my first break up and how it felt.
So can my parents, my sister, my brother and I’m also sure the neighbor who heard as my heartache was swallowed in the moon, me and all my sobs. The night went on and many slept but I knew no such reprieve.
Seems dramatic when I think back on it. But isn’t it always when we’re talking about love unkempt? Or what we thought love was. Or what we thought love could be.
This is not a story of bitterness.
Or a story of prolonged brokenness.
That particular story (the first break-up) was one of a certain sound and certain beat my heart made when I first started to believe that I was easy to leave.
“Bri Michelle, you’re so easy to leave.”
The growing takes time because youth works against us. Understanding Father’s love takes time. Coming to the place of the very sincere agreement, “My desire is to know Christ, I count all else as rubbish” takes dying. And of course…that takes time.
And the years go by. The sound of the beat of my heart changes.
Some notes stay the course, other harmonies incorporated, a new chord learned, a crescendo dropped. It all morphs and contorts – moving to the wave of the Conductor’s hand.
People will leave. We know it so well.
People will run. Because of fear, because of inability to commit, because of confusion…
It is a very strange thing when we allow Father to truly establish our heart’s in His truth. All of a sudden, the lies begin to look very small and weak. Grand Love moves mountains and those lies were only able to skip a few stones.
Flash-forward: Six years after this break-up and after many other stories that looked like the confirmation, “You are easy to leave”, I heard Him.
His assurance that He will never leave me. I’ve heard it before in a very watered down state. The repetition of this truth threatened any real understanding from emerging. But now…
“Bri Michelle, how can I leave you? How can I give you up? ”
The slightest hum of Truth can dismantle and dissolve the lies we thought forever slashed us and took away our character, even our ability to love.
This I call to mind: the lies never saw me. They don’t know me. Truth sees me, knows me. Truth created me. And in a most holy and severe moment Truth marched to the cross and because of this I will never know separation from Love.
In my lifetime I will hear many people say, “Goodbye” or, “I choose to leave you” and I am sure I will say it too (is it not that there is a time and a season for everything?)
Yet my hope is in this: I will never hear those words from His mouth, He will never abandon.
“How can I give you up, Ephraim?
How can I hand you over, Israel?
How can I treat you like Admah?
How can I make you like Zeboiim?
My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused.
I will not carry out my fierce anger, nor will I turn and devastate Ephraim.
For I am God, and not man – the Holy One among you.”
My sweet Jesus, thank you for loving me…and not leaving me. -Selah.