I was over-thinking, which probably happens too often and this week it was completely distracting.
Between work, maintaining friendships and making new friends, family, exercise, work, relationship with the Lord, work, personal hygiene (haha, had to put this in here cause it does take time), dealing with this heart, and work (I mentioned that, right?) I am headed for a silent corner in a dark room and foreseeing a very long sigh followed by a quivering chin… my teeth gently biting my lip while i run through all the reasons why crying might not be the best option – even though no one can see, even though this past month has left its mark well on my heart.
All my reasons will lose this battle. Nothing convinces me into sobbing like slow tears. I enjoy tears so much, but the timid, shy tears… those ones are charming, a grand friend of mine. They sit and wait on the rim of my eyelids as if being courteous, careful not to fall too quickly so as not to ensue more damage. And then, at just the right moment they spill over, dampening my eyelids, sauntering down my cheek bone, face, jaw and they hang on waiting to make a grand exit. Then the fall. Those tears are sacred and in so many ways recall to my mind the kindness of the Lord.
It is disconcerting to me that with so much going on in my life I can feel as lonely as I do at times. But I do, and this position of my heart is dedicated to the listening ears of Abba.
So there it is. Maybe loneliness isn’t the depressing monster I dress it up to be.
And there is joy, there is radiant joy. My life is full and my Lover is near. I love “top” lists. And here it is my top list for this month. The roses emerging among the thorns:
3. My completion of The Brothers Karamzov
5. Dinners with Lisa which are a gift from the Lord and prepare me for the week ahead
7. My TEAM at Compassion. Love the webbies and I love that I still drive into work every morning thinking, “I can’t believe I work here.”
8. Agia Sophia coffee shop with the Lord and chai tea
9. Truth Project bible study with some of the most amazing women I have ever met
10. The Ingrid Michaelson concert. Not to mention the moment when sweet Katy Michelle blew her nose because of a cold and we got starred down like we were out of control
11. Maryn, Stacia, Jamie and Karla. Some of the most precious friends I have. The ache in my heart for their company is a grand testimony to how the Lord has enriched our friendship and blessed me with their words, presence, prayers…
Ok, if I continued to go on, and I could, I will probably not sleep at all. BUT, I have to sleep because tomorrow I have to cook Thanksgiving dinner.
Alas, there is sorrow and I will not ignore it or dress it up and call it something else. Yet, there is immense joy and I believe I am able to steep in its richness because I can acknowledge the sadness in my heart.
Since being back in America I see I am continuously at a loss of words but I also believe, like I had not believed before, that He understands… that even with my lack of explanations I have captured Him.
Oh please Lord, may it be. How beautiful You are to me.