So much to say…
And the burden of all the words and thoughts threatens my vulnerability.
It is all a very complicated kind of striving: To maintain a soft heart preceded by hope and trust. Yet I know sincere and devote relationships will flourish, there will be life and living and knowing.
My words find their dedication in the King…even the words I wish faith could banish. Those words marked with doubt, those words marred by the world, the words that steep apart from His character.
It is a mysterious thing to trust and love Him, even though we have not seen Him. So it is a miracle, this faith. This Him inside of us. His pursuit keeps me close and, though grossly frustrated with it at times, my writing is the gateway – my response to His initiative…
These past months I’ve written a lot but while the writing has not been a problem, creativity continues to dodge my every page. Which makes the writing less eloquent but probably more articulate. And in the end it has ushered me even deeper into the way of the Lord.
I once read a piece of advice from a writer, “Keep writing, everyday. Always. Even when you don’t have anything to write, write about that.”
So I keep writing for Him, to Him and in the process I am deciphered.
At times, and most sporadically I come back to this blog and say, oh yes…yes, I write to people at times. Tonight is one of those nights (I nearly forgot my login and password. And have you noticed? This is a new blog).
If I might share some of the things I have written in my absence:
March 3, 2009
Beauty interrupts me.
I would not be so welcoming of any other distraction (or maybe it is me that is the distraction?)
You loosen the static words, mundane and sticking to my heart.
They wage the war of complacency with their words, “This is the way it is and it’s like this.”
Provoking me to navigate through my tragedy (or as my dear friend Seth once stated, maybe it is a comedy).
Yesterday was meek. Not even like a day.
Some kind of shy attempt to produce time and space for us to do our living in. Then this morning I woke up, remnants of yesterday burrowing in my heart.
How awkward those days when I don’t feel real. There are too many unknowns and so much waiting to be running around and doing. So life feels like some kind of upside down dream.
He wounds me with Truth. Because truly, there is a time when the clinging and the trusting and the obedience of faith must be this very beautiful and fierce firmness. Perhaps it is that first shinning moment when you know Love knows you and Love loves you.
The revelation came this time with understanding, it took root. The broken heart with its cracks actually allowed for it all to seep through. Man can love you. Mother and father can love you. Sister and brother. Friend and family. But when Love loves you – it’s like being so thoroughly terrified and found out, infused with a most muted normalcy.
“But I never knew. I never understood.” And then the overlapping confirmation, “But child it has always been this way. With the loving and knowing you.” Natural and terrifying.
April 12, 2009
My hope. The fierce thing that it is.
It ravenously kisses desire, the future, plans to prosper, the new morning.
It clumsily dances with fresh mercies.
My hope. Reckless as a child.
Hidden in the hand of Love, keeping my heart and mind at bay. <even sometimes at war>
Sickness washes in from deferment.
Burrows and excavates itself into deep layers of my heart. I cannot retrieve all the ailments.
Medicine is prayer.
Food is tears.
Marching into this downcast state (left. right. left. right.)
My mind sighing. My lips moving (Selah, Selah, Selah)
I am weak but He is strong.
It’s quite simple really, “Your faith, it is more precious than gold. My love, it is all over you.”
That is my take on life. As always, I just want to love Him and love others.
To love well and deeply.
I believe it has been said better, “Let love be genuine.”
This loving has turned out to be the most difficult and delicate task I have ever engaged in. There is still so much to learn. So much more of me to die.
“I walked in a desert and I cried: ‘Ah, God, take me from this place!’
A voice said, ‘It is no desert.’
I cried: ‘Well, but – The sand, the heat, the vacant horizon.’
A voice said: ‘It is no desert.”
2 Corinthians 6:4-10 “Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance….in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; in truthful speech and in the power of God;…genuine, yet regarded as impostors; known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.”
I am known. I am known by Love. I know Love. And He loves me; Love loves me.
He speaks to me and walks the days out with me. He has allowed me deep trust when I was as an ignorant child. He has weaved faith within my very being when I have deserved His distance. He has cast upon me, at times, a very severe mercy when I should have walked a very plain and colorless kind of life.
It is a worthwhile journey, to pursue knowing Him and to seek His voice. More worthy than anything else I have come upon. But when Love calls you, it is as if you have never heard any other voice, as if there had never been any other plan.